I've decided to go where no man has gone before; inside the head of the President of the United States of America, the "leader of the free world", the commander in chief, Barack Hussein Obama.
Let me be clear.... for part one of my speech I will use my superior ability to say a lot of shit without saying anything that people will see on the top as bad, but once they actually see what I say, the right in the country will go mad, and the left will also go mad with kissing my ass. So first of all, BP bad, and I'm gonna make those suckas pay regardless of whether I have the authority. I just told not only the American public, but also the world that if a company does something wrong, I will personally make them pay. Regardless of what contracts we may have had with them, I will pull a Hugo Chavez on their asses, and MAKE them pay into a fund. (A fund? You mean like the Social Security lockbox?) Not only do they have to pay for actual damages, but also perceived damages. (this is similar to the jobs, saved or created just FYI) Forget the court system that has been put in place for people to sue an individual for harm that has been caused them, I will MAKE them pay based on what we think they owe. Of course we get to decided who has been damaged, and who will get what compensation. In other words BP, it would behoove you, to pack up all of your shit, and leave the American continent and do business elsewhere, cause I am gonna fuck you, and use you as my personal piggy bank to fund those that I like. If you don't think I can take over your company, take a look at General Motors. I mean I have nationalized other industries of US companies, I should be able to use my Fascist ways to nationalize foreign companies too. I bet companies the world over are going to be running towards the US to set up shop now. ha ha! This will ruin the economy even quicker that I have planned. Muwhahahaha!
Part 2 of my speech will be focused on Climate Change. Never letting a crisis (even one that I caused, or could have stopped quickly) go to waste. I am going to spend the majority of my time tonight campaigning (really the only thing I do is campaign. It's one media program or stump speech to the next. I have no ability to actually lead or govern, but I give a great stump speech and the main stream media is really just an arm of the White House propaganda corps (pronounced corpse) and they help me with my empty suit rhetoric, so that most of the dumb masses will buy the media bundle of opinions that we provide for them, as they are too concerned with the NBA finals, or American Idol, or the Real Housewives of some place, to really notice I am raping and pillaging this country better than Nikita Kruschev, or Adolph Hitler could have done. Those guys were brutes, and look at how I take it all without firing a shot. Oh back to my speech part b) I will call for legislation and regulations on an enemy that does not exists, but as previously mentioned we have sold to the dumb masses, with the help of the dumb masses' heros like Leonardo DiCaprio, and Ben Affleck, and of course my brother from another mother, Al Gore. We will tax energy (kill jobs) and promote industries that provide "green job" (not sustainable without government subsidies, once again killing real jobs and the economy), all to combat Global Warming, or Climate Change, or whatever nifty phrase the front groups of anti-capitalist organizations want to sell. It matters not at all that there is no evidence of any "climate change", the celebrities have sold it, and if it kills the economy so that I can instill a new version then it is doing as intended.
Finally, I will say a few words here, that will try to endear you to me. To the right, and other smart people these words will hurt and disgust them like masturbating with a cheese grater, but to the useful idiots, and the dumb masses, it will comfort them, and reassure them that I really care about them and the country, whereas I could give a shit about them, and as far as the country, am just here to destroy the economy, and make the US weaker to it's enemies. So far, so good. God bless the United States of America. (I am so laughing inside my head every time I say this. I am not only mocking the country but "God" too. I kill myself, I am so funny)