Thursday, December 22, 2011

Crazy Christmas Relatives?

Okay. So we had already moved away from West (By god) Virginia a few years, and decided to go back to spend Christmas with my grandparents who were normal people. The day before Christmas we went to visit my Uncle Raymond. Well Uncle Raymond was not so normal, and his kids were definitely not normal. These were folks that lived on welfare their whole lives, and made money under the table making moonshine, searching for wild ginseng, and trapping mink, otters and other woodland creatures for their fur. So we get to Uncle Raymond's "house" get to the front door, where there is a screen door, that is just a frame. So they open the door, and we all just walk through the screen door frame, and go into the house. The occupants of the house always opened the screendoor instead of simply stepping through it.

I was about 15 at the time, and we had my little cousin with us who was about 8. We all say our hellos and such, and my little cousin needed to use the bathroom. Uncle Raymond tells me the lightbulb for the bathroom is on a string and I would probably need to help her turn on the light. So we go to the bathroom, I am reaching around in the dark for the string until finally I grab it and pull to turn on the light, and My little cousin screams a horror movie type of blood curdling scream. I turn around and Uncle Raymond has a Big ass buck hanging from the ceiling, gutted and the blood draining into the bathtub. Blood dripping out of the nose, and Bambi there looked just like Rudolph. Finally after about 15 minutes little Michelle stopped screaming and crying, as we assured her that santa would still make it even missing one Reindeer.

Later that day, as we were all sitting in the living room, "visiting" with our hillbilly kin, we hear a loud twaaaamp!! One of the crazy cousins was demonstrating his ability and skill with the bow and arrow, and decided the best way to do this was to shoot an arrow from the kitchen into the living room, and into a deer head that was mounted on the wall above the couch were my mother and I were sitting.

But wait... There's more from these crazy cousins. This is December in West Virginia, so not exactly warm. But later that evening, the cousins brought home "dinner" for us. It was 2 ducks, and having never had duck before, I was intrigued. An hour later, the Sheriff of the county comes and knocks on the door. My Uncle Raymond answers the door with, "What the fuck do you want now Chester?" ( i guess they were on first name basis and all). Chester informed Uncle Raymond that the neighbors "down the Holler" said that they saw Scotty and Bruce (2 of the crazy cousins), running away from their pond butt ass naked, and carrying their pet ducks by the feet. So the mystery of where the ducks came from was solved. Scotty and Bruce were given a game warden citation, (guess this falls under the "poaching" category) and we had to listen to them explain, in great detail, how they had gotten into the freezing water, swam underneath the ducks and grabbed them by the feet. (Who knew this is how one catches ducks?) Then held them underwater until they drowned. Lovely folks.

Anyway. We left without dinner, and went back to the grandparents house. I've never been back there again.

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